What your teen actually wants you to do when they are upset

Maybe a hug from a parent no longer solves problems for a teen as it did in their childhood. But when it comes to teenage mental health, adults can do a lot to help, according to new data. A survey asked 1,675 people ages 10 to 18 about their emotional lives and their needs from the adults who care for them. Of the preteens and teens surveyed, 45% said they felt stressed the day before, 38% felt anxious and 23% felt sad. But nearly all of them — 94% — said they also felt happiness for much of that day. The survey found that 1 in 6 parents have a hard time comforting and communicating with their teen. Fortunately, the teens told adults exactly what they need in this survey as well. ‘What I hope that families can take from these results is that kids have ups at least as much as they have downs, kids have terrific, really healthy ways of managing their own emotions,’ said the author of a book on teenage emotions. ‘That listening, offering space, comfort and reassurance is often all that kids are looking for.’ Entering the teen years presents more complex problems with higher stakes. Yes, teens are often facing greater challenges than the generations before them, and difficulties with anxiety and isolation were on the rise even before the outbreak. The worsening mental health and rising stakes of teens often puts parents in a difficult place. How can you be centered, approachable and helpful in offering perspective when you as the adult are also full of anxiety over the problems of your teens? Teens have good ways to cope. Among the top coping strategies preteens and teens listed were playing video games, listening to music, cuddling a pet, talking about their feelings and connecting with friends. Music is an effective way to experience an emotion to work through it and get the feeling out. And video games can be an effective way to distract oneself. Social media and other screen-based entertainment often is talked about in terms of the risks, but the potential benefits of social media to a large proportion of teens have received insufficient attention. The data also showed that teens used time with friends and talking about their feelings as a way to cope. Young people themselves have very adaptive ways for handling their distress, and as adults, we can be very quick to blow past or minimize all of the incredibly adaptive strategies they use. The thing preteens and teens going through something tough want most from their parents is to be listened to. That was followed closely by giving them space and taking their feelings seriously. Physical comfort and advice lagged behind. It might seem obvious to listen first and then offer help, but that can be hard to do when you so badly want your child to feel better. That instinct can be particularly difficult for a teen, many of whom doubt their own emotions. Having an adult listen and take them seriously tells teens their emotions make sense, even if they are feeling them more deeply than they used to. It’s essential to empower teens when working through difficult things by talking with them, not at them. She recommends asking questions more, such as ‘why do you think that happened?’ or ‘what do you think you should do next?’ And while it’s important to still maintain boundaries as the adult, getting teens’ input on their own lives is also helpful. There’s no one silver bullet to help solve some of these issues students are facing. It’s going to be multiple things that we have to do to help students become more resilient and help them also get some tools in their own tool belt to overcome some of these challenges.